Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
