Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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