It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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