Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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