ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
