Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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