Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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