Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
