I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
