Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
