Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
