Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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