she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
