I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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