So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
