If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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