I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
