true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
