he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
there is glitter all over my balls
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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