Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
