I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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