I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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