dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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