I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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