dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i will never coherently bang her
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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