And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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