I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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