i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
