so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
