I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize