I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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