Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
