it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
