I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
