duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
