I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
