I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
