just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
