Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
