i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
