She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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