She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
