someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Randomize
