I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
