I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
