ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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