I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize