these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
