I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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