hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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