new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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