I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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