someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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