We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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