I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
