An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
