you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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