my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize