You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
