I just threw up on my dentist
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
