You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
