I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
