just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
