I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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